week four - sunday morning - madoka

[arockstar]

[Newt finally finds Madoka in the game room, of all places. It's a bit of an odd choice for her, but he's not complaining. There's weird stuff happening in the courtyard, anyway.

He leans against the doorframe, hands in his pockets.]

I'm sorry about your hand.

Comments

[arockstar]

[Calm would be comforting except that it's been three weeks of four bodies, and no kid should be calm under those circumstances. It breaks his heart a little.]

That's all true, but you don't have to forgive me just because I didn't intend to hurt you. I intended to hurt somebody, after all. It was a test, but I knew what it would do.

[frilly]

[ Madoka just nods, but doesn't really respond to that. He has a good point, so she isn't going to argue it. It's not like her forgiveness had a lot of depth to it. ]

... What was your wish for? What was it that was worth it to you?

[arockstar]

Mm. That's a complicated question.

[It's not, really, or at least it shouldn't be. Wishes are the crux of being here. What's the point of all this if he's not even sure what he wants?]

The thing I came here for... I'm sure most of you would agree that it's a good thing, me not getting my wish. To put it simply, I was going to wish to destroy my world.

[He pauses.]

But is that worth all this to me? No.

[frilly]

Is that why you left the message on Ai-chan? Were you trying to get caught?

[ Madoka understands not having an important wish - she's made several wishes that were near nonsense just because she wanted to be useful to someone with the results of them. But something like destroying your world - who is that useful to? ]

Why not wish for something else, then? Something that was worth it?

[arockstar]

[He goes quiet for a long moment, eyes darting to the side.]

...I'm not sure.

[He wishes he had a better answer for her, but it's the best he can do.]

The thing is, I don't know if I can. I don't know... that I'd be strong enough.

[...]

But it doesn't matter now, right? My wish dies with me. That's something, I guess.

[frilly]

It's... Something.

[ She repeats him, because she's not sure what else to call it. It sounds like a bad wish, so it's good that it won't come true. She doesn't understand what he means, and it's confusing. ]

If you could make a different wish, what would it be?

[arockstar]

[He sits on the question for a long time, chewing his lip. It's a tough thing to consider, like reading in the dark or remembering a song while another is playing.]

To go back, I guess. I did something a long time ago... It was supposed to save the world, and it did, so maybe it'd be just as wrong of me to go back and stop it, but... But it's the thing that got me here in the first place.

[There's another pause.]

If your world was about to be destroyed, and you had the means to stop it knowing that you'd turncoat and destroy it yourself later, what would you do? Is it better to do nothing and let it end or sacrifice yourself to give people more time?

[frilly]

Time.

[ She answers alarmingly quick.

But despite her confidence in that immediate answer, she takes a moment to mull it over and articulate a better response for him. ]

... It may be the same result for the world... But there are so many people that would get that time. It's... Sad to need one person to hurt, but if it's for the sake of everyone else...

Those kinds of sacrifices are worth it.

[arockstar]

[It's not the answer he was hoping for, but then again, nothing she could've said would've been what he wanted to hear. On some level, he knows it's unfair of him to even be asking her about this. He has a feeling she can relate, though, even if it's just in some small way... That's not something he wants to miss out on.]

I wish I could see it that way.

[...]

In a universe of infinite possibilities, you wouldn't think it would come down to just those two options. There has to be a better ending.

[frilly]

But you couldn't wish for it?

[ She's not questioning him to accuse - but to understand. She doesn't understand his struggle at all, but she believes that it exists. ]

[arockstar]

What would I be wishing for, exactly? That's the problem. I'm not going to ask the gods to fix it for me without outlining a specific solution. That's a monkey's paw waiting to happen.

[He sighs, running a hand through his hair.]

I'll have time to figure it out, I suppose.

[frilly]

You're right.

If you aren't careful what you wish for, the despair will always come back to balance out the hope you were given. And you can't change things too recklessly if you don't understand them.

[ This is something that she deeply understands. ]

[arockstar]

[He nods, glad they're on the same page.]

The best door number three I can think of is undoing the past ten years, but that's not even a guarantee. I'll have to make some of the same mistakes over again in order to save everyone, and there's a strong possibility I'd just end up right back where I started. That'd be a waste.

[frilly]

I really wish that the gods would help people figure out their wishes... Or let them discuss it with other people from home before deciding on it.

[ because this isn't the first time she's heard someone frustrated at the weight of a wish. ]

[arockstar]

Mm. Now there's an idea.

[He hadn't thought of that before, honestly, but she's got a point.]

The gods certainly could've spared me the trouble of having to figure all this out on my own. Maybe things would've gone differently.

[He shrugs.]